Friday, January 4, 2019

The Day After

When my alarm went off this morning, I wanted to throw it against the wall.

I'm not supposed to be here...

I'm not designed to keep going...

Yesterday I was going to take my life but I didn't.

Words of wisdom overrode the plan and so here I am.

Same person.

Same medications.

Same intrusive thoughts.

Same problems.

But I got to make my little boy pancakes this morning and watched him lick the plate. This time I just let him do it.

Today is my older son's last day of work before he hits up the campus at CSU to make his dreams come true. We had date night last night, he and I. Benihana and it was so much fun.

And it's Friday. I get to sleep a little more. Cook good food for dinner. And just try to get out of my head.

Here's to a day that I don't get mind fucked on.


Thursday, January 3, 2019

I'm Not Giving Up



Right after Halloween, I chose a date.

January 3, 2019...

This was the date, today, I was going to take my own life.

I'm more than halfway through this date. I'm still here.

Then a friend puts up a post on Facebook that makes me think that I am more than just a fighter. I'm a damn warrior and I'm going to make this illness my bitch from here on out. I won't allow it to make me set dates, cry, feel sorry for myself or take away my ability to do shit I love to do.

I'm done with this.

No more.

Who's with me?

Monday, December 3, 2018

Shopping with Anxiety

She's in the grocery store pushing her cart; the territory is familiar. The aisles seem tighter than usual and she begins talking to herself. It used to be that the talking was in her head, but as people pass her by, now they wonder who she's speaking to. Yelling at. Making fun of.

"You leave your cart on the left side of the freezer section aisle but you are actually on the right hand side of the freezer aisle picking something out. There's a box of God knows what in the center selling something for pets and I can't get by."

So she stands there waiting.

"Excuse me!"

That time she knew she was yelling out loud. The "Oh, sorry..." didn't fill the void of anger as she continues her shopping in agony because people and noise and disruption are all part of her triggers.

Today she only needed a handful of items so the self check out was there and waiting. She mentally prepared herself for the woman inside the machine who told her what to do, step by step, usually a step behind what she was already doing.


Put the item in the bag...

I already DID!

Remove the item from the bag and place in on the scale...

What the fuck for?

Place the item in the bag...

Oh, you mean the one where it was before you dumb bitch!

Select method of payment...

I already scanned my card!

Don't forget to take your bags...

Why in the fuck would I go through all of this and forget to take my bags?

Thank you...

People are listening and staring and she actually cares but she rushes out of the store in hopes those same people won't be there next time she returns.

---Actually me in every store!!