Thursday, December 1, 2016

A State of Agitation, Distress & Restlessness

Copyright 2016 Pamela Gold

My head spins from the inside. It tries to touch my toes from afar and continuously fails time and again. 

Thoughts race from one end to the other and back. Thoughtless thoughts. No feeling. No emotion.

My legs are in constant motion. Even while seated, they move. They cross and uncross. They sit Indian Style and then not. They sit beneath me and then rest on the floor. 

I want to run but I really just want to sit.

I want to jump but I really just want to sleep.

I want to cook but I really just want to eat. 

I want to write but the words do not come. 

This is the cycle for all of the minutes that my eyes remain open.

Copyright 2016 Pamela Gold

I avoid people. People are annoying. I am even beginning to avoid the people I don't mind so much. I'm unable to hold back, not that I ever was, and so when asked how I'm doing...I'm brutally honest. More brutal than ever. 

I just looked at the clock and expected a much later time. 

And just like that, the anger rebuilds.

I've taken up knitting and not necessarily "scrap-booking" but putting prints of my photography into a book. Anything to keep my hands  moving only, they're going in separate ways of my legs. 

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  1. a state of agitation, distress, and restlessness that is an occasional side-effect of antipsychotic and antidepressant drugs

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Copyright 2016 Pamela Gold

The drugs to counteract this state aren't working. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Less Than Zero

I'm all alone in my office, unable to focus on any actual work I should be doing. I'll just end up doing it over later anyway. 

I had my intake appointment yesterday to see a different psychiatrist. I'm desperate for a second opinion. December 5th is the date to remember. 

I have less than zero interest in anything. I do things to pass the time and that's it. One day to the next until it's over. 

Work can kiss my ass. Going home and cooking after work can kiss my ass. Activities like watching TV and knitting just to pass the time until I can go to bed can kiss my ass. Sleeping can kiss my ass. Waking up for a new day to do that shit all over again? It can kiss my ass too. 

I'm at the lowest of lows. You know that place where you, with absolute certainty, know you won't crawl out of again. Why do I say that? Because one of these days that will be true. 

Last week it snowed for the first time this season. It was cold and the white dust was blowing everywhere and I was so happy. Today it's snowing and I could care less. 

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm just talking in circles. Please don't comment to tell me how strong I am or how this too shall pass. Just don't. Without sounding like a complete bitch, I don't care. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Testing the Arts

The words don't come as easy as they once did. In my present state of mind, I can no longer spin a tale of any kind. I miss it something fierce and have no real idea if it will arrive one day, knock at my door and have something that needs to be stated in print. I hope, though. I do. 

My main passion right now is phone photography. I hate to even tack on the "phone" part but I wouldn't want to upset professional photographers (I do understand the difference). My phone has the best camera available today (through a phone--Samsung S7) and I've been putting it to good use. I've purchased a gorgeous hard-back journal with thick paper today. Over some time, I'll be transferring my photos into this book as a display for me to enjoy whenever I want. 

I've also been trying my hand with knitting. It's incredibly relaxing and mesmerizing to see your own two hands doing the creating, spinning a web of brilliance.  My first project was a scarf. Next I'm going to knit some leg and cup cozies. 

It's over eighty degrees here in Denver. Tomorrow it's supposed to snow. I can't wait to be right below it and capturing the moments. 

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