Monday, March 9, 2015

Drifting

How is living day to day with bipolar disorder without medication? 

Hard. As. Fuck.

My diagnosis of bipolar 2 took place sometime in 2010. It was crushing. Since it began as postpartum depression the thought was always that I would get better. I would recover. When I wasn't getting better, when I wasn't recovering, things shifted. The healing shifted. It would be for the long term now, not just temporary.

I tried medication after medication. 

I planned my suicide.

I faced a round of electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) (so much more to come on that later).

Some days were amazing and others were the scariest I've ever experienced.

I lived in Florida at the time of my diagnosis and for three or so years afterward. When the opportunity to relocate my family to Colorado came up it seemed like the right thing to do. A new set of chances was just waiting for us to grasp onto and do good things. That's where we are now. Just outside of Denver, trying to make it.

I got right to a new doctor and the rules were all different. It was this new set of rules that, at first, I followed. I played along with the new game. I just wasn't used to losing. I was seeing this new set of doctors for no fee because I wasn't yet working. Once I got a job I lost the ability to be seen there. The cost of insurance was ridiculous and so I eventually weaned off the medication and haven't taken anything in over a year now. 

I've visited local health food stores and purchased over the counter anti-anxiety remedies and sleep aids (the lack of sleep at the present time is really kicking my ass). Nothing works for more than a month or so.

The highs are high (and rare) and the lows suck. I'm drifting along as well as I can. Until the opportunity to see a psychiatrist happens and I can get back into some sort of groove, I'm just making it.

I don't see the point, living this way. Work (actively look for a job I won't hate that pays decent in this God forsaken high cost of living end of the country), tend to the home and family, sleep (if I'm lucky) and start all over again until the weekend hits and additional errands are thrown in. 

It's fucking boring. 

How do you keep going when you just want to give up?


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