Tuesday, October 20, 2015

When the Darkness Falls (Again)

How often, when you're on the up, do you cause stress and anxiety within yourself wondering when the next downfall is going to occur? It always happens, doesn't it?

The downfall…

In my personal experience, as my mental illness ages (matures), it feels like it becomes more and more difficult to pull out of the lows (or is it my aging that causes this?). As it does take place, I want to just give up. The quicksand is pulling me in faster than it ever has with each cycle of depression. Suicidal ideation becomes strong. The thought of leaving this world seems like the only (best) solution.

I've been doing extraordinarily well for about three weeks now. I met Jack, got on the right combination and dose of medication, and have been feeling fantastic. Some would say that my actions appear rather (hypo) manic in many ways. I started to wonder that myself, but honestly, I think this is how I'm supposed to feel. How "normal" people feel. I'm sure there are some people who wish I would just stop talking part of the day (Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from you!)

There is another low around the bend. I know this. It's going to suck. It's going to take longer to snap out of it. I'm prepared for it to happen. I'm not prepared for the emotions that come along with it, but I'm prepared for the occurrence itself because it always happens. 

BUT...how do you know when your current down-spin is your mental illness or situational bullshit? I think we mostly want to blame it on our illness because the bullshit always exists. It never seems to go away. 

How's your marriage? There's always bumps. Sometimes more often than not. You promised like hell you would never go to bed mad, but it happens more often than you’d like to admit.

How's your financial situation? We could all use some extra monthly income. Paying for health insurance alone requires a second, full-time job.

What time of the year is it? Do you suffer from seasonal depression? A lot of people I know use a special lamp to get their daily dose of vitamin D when it seems like the snow isn’t ever going to stop falling, and let the sun shine down on them naturally.

Are you providing yourself with enough self-care? Self-care...what the fuck is that?

I’m not here to diagnose you. There’s a lot of information out there about the many forms of depression. If you’re not going through a rough time because of something negative that recently happened in your life, you probably need to talk to someone.

It’s hard to keep moving with the mundane when you’re down and out. I find that when I keep to my normal schedule during the 9-5 and take a time out on the weekends, it helps tremendously.

It’s okay to bake a frozen pizza for dinner. Your family will survive.

It’s okay to leave the dishwasher to be unloaded for another time. That’s what paper plates are for.

Do take care of yourself. Take a shower. Wash your hair. Brush your teeth. Wear comfortable clothes. Put clean sheets on the bed. Anything that makes you feel refreshed.

Then binge watch Netflix and take it easy.

You deserve it.


  1. My depression hits when I least expect it and it could come from something simple, something seemingly insignificant. Losing my Dad fucked me up something fierce and then having the baby only 11 days later. the last 16 months have been a constant up and down. I used to handle stress well, now everything sends me over the endge. Like now, the baby crying for no other reason than to annoy the shit out of me while I have a luke warm cup of coffee.

    1. Do you take anything for the depression or anxiety? I'm a big supporter that medication is key when the symptoms are long-term. Take care of yourself Kelly. Being a mom and wife and your own person is such hard work. xo


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