Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Advice Needed **Trigger Warning**

This isn't an exaggerated look
About seven weeks ago the lights went out. I've tried to replace the batteries, repair the electrical socket, man handle the cord, check the breaker...all to no avail.

I've been wandering the halls illuminated by only candlelight to guide the way.

I've taken all the right steps to reignite the spark in my eyes over the last ten days:

  • 12/19 I spoke with my psychiatrist regarding the rare side-effects I'm experiencing (since doubling up both medication doses at our last visit before Thanksgiving) and the worsening depression. Solution: Back down on the mood stabilizer and call his partner should I need assistance between 12/24 - 1/3. We have to pinpoint which drug is the problem. If no change after three days, back down some more. 
  • Backed down the mood stabilizer for a week with no change. I'm now on an ineffective dose.
  • Evening of 12/28, called the partner psychiatrist to tell him I'm feeling delusional and the side-effects were something I could no longer live with. They are interfering with my life. Response: There's no way the medications are causing those effects. It's a coincidence that I'm experiencing these symptoms. Call your primary care doctor. My response: I research the hell out of anything going into my body and I have, in fact, confirmed that these are side-effects of the medications. Rare side-effects. Him: Call your PCP.
  • 12/29 Called my PCP who is out of town. Her assistant calls back after consulting with her partner. Response: These are psychotropic effects and need to be addressed by your psychiatrist, but yeast infections aren't a part of that so you should make an appointment to get that taken care of. Oh, and hydrate. My response: I have it here in black and white that these psychotropics are causing vaginal issues. Thanks but no thanks.
  • Remainder of the day 12/29, keep working and act like nothing is wrong even though I'm on the edge of losing my fucking mind into a full-blown panic attack. Think about ways to kill myself. Talk to close friends in the same position. Think. Think. Think. Overthink. If I write a letter, really heartfelt, explaining why I'm doing this and explain how it's nobody's fault, will they get over it? Could the adults lie to my children about how it happened?
  • Chat with a suicide hotline rather than calling. Told my issues and was asked, Okay, what can I do for you? Disconnect.
  • Go home and collapse into my husband's arms and cry. Dry heave weeping. Convince him it's okay to carry out his plan to go to his brother's for dinner and that I'll be okay. I'd never do anything at our own home anyway. What kind of mother/wife would that make me? Agree on a plan to cut antidepressant dose by half until psychiatrist is back on Monday. 
  • Take a few shots of whiskey, see my family off for the night, watch bad TV, cut my own hair, cut my skin, text with friends in the same position some more, drink wine, take double dose of Klonipin, try not to think about the thoughts I've had all day to make this a permanent fix and just go to sleep. 
  • 12/30 Wake up. Nothing's changed. Wait...what?

What the fuck would you do?


  1. Survive, my dear friend. Please survive. ♡

  2. Just keep moving forward. Monday is already closer than it was yesterday. You can get through this. So many people love you and need you!! Stay strong my love!!

  3. Just keep moving forward. Monday is already closer than it was yesterday. You can get through this. So many people love you and need you!! Stay strong my love!!

  4. Not yet. It's not your time yet. You've got to keep moving forward, pushing through the pain. Do whatever it takes. When those urges hit me, when this need to just end it all fills my head, I have to stop and remind myself that if I give in, he wins. My abuser wins and I lose. And my family loses more. There's no way in hell that he can have power over me like that anymore. Same for you. Depression is not going to win. Bipolarism is not going to win. You're too fucking badass to let them win. And you've got so many reasons to stay. Your family needs you, broken or whole. They. Need. You. And you need them.

    Not yet, Pam. It's not your time.


  5. Please stop the alcohol. Consult with a nutritionist to see how your diet is effecting your yeast situation.. Look at the possibility that you need a new psych Doctor and/or med doctor. And DONT GIVE UP.

  6. How are you doing? My name is Angie and the lights completely burnt out for me on Monday, Nov. 30th. For years I have done a damn good job at hiding my illness from others and perhaps even myself until this past year. When I read what you wrote, you sound just like me, especially with how will the adults tell my children bit. But I am slowly coming to terms with this and actually acknowledging it and telling loved ones that I am sick, they have been incredibly supportive for the most part and I realize now I let ALL these years go by, pretty much suffering in silence. You seem to have a supportive husband. Maybe you could look at switching meds, changing Dr.s or even an Outpatient Program/PHP? It has been a holy hell of a struggle to even get out of bed, but I'm making myself go, no matter what. PHP is Partial Hospitalization and 2-3 yrs ago, I would never have thought I'd have to do something like this. I never thought I'd ever have a full on nervous break, but I did. I will be in treatment for a while, but I guess my best advice is to please don't give up. Every time I look at my little ones beautiful faces, I realize how devastated they would be without their Mommy, whether they knew the reason I was gone or not, it would scar them for the rest of their lives. So, if I can offer any advice, it is seek better treatments, take time off for it and look at your children's eyes. I hope you and I both get better soon.


Share your thoughts!