Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Mixed States & Cookie Dough

Strange occurrences today. I slept very little last night, about 3 hours. By 4am I was wide awake and reading articles on my phone. I overdid it on the caffeine because I knew the day would be busy and my eyes had to stay open. Focused. I even had enough time this morning to pay some bills and update my blog layout before heading to the office. I thought by noon I'd crash and burn.

I was buried in work and had a meeting in the afternoon. I kept on going full steam. Never crashing.

I've been noticing that I have been making little mistakes at work. Things that I should be catching because my attention to detail is extreme. My lack of concentration is really showing through and other people are beginning to notice.

I don't have a hard time admitting to other people that I'm depressed. It's easy to blame life situations and get away with it. I'm not ready to come out and tell anyone (at work) that I suffer with bipolar disorder. The truth is, I'm ashamed and the stigma will follow wherever I go. Because it always has. I'll never be that person shouting about how proud I am to be bipolar. Ever.

I know I'm in a mixed state right now. I'm up then I'm down. Mostly down. For exactly 11 days, I have felt like my life was over. Unrecoverable. It's not that today I don't feel that to be true, it's just...lighter somehow.

I got out of the house tonight, had dinner at the local beer garden and just tucked my son into bed with a story. I couldn't coax myself into making dinner. I couldn't even drive to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Sometimes just going to dinner is the way I win at life for the day.

I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow. I don't even know how I feel right now. I'm tired but able to keep fighting the urge to close my eyes and get the rest I know I need. Sleep is so damn important with mental illness.

I tend to do the opposite of what I know I should be doing to keep myself well...just one more glass of wine, an extra dose of anti-anxiety medication won't hurt, I'll just lay here and watch TV for 12 hours, maybe I'll do yoga or better yet--put on yoga pants and watch more TV, eat too much, eat too little, sleep too much, sleep too little, not keep up with a normal daily schedule and get upset about straying from what I should be doing in this moment...

There's too much to think about. Sometimes I want to be reckless for no other reason than to say I was reckless. So maybe when I wake up in the morning I'll keep to my schedule. Better yet, I'll call in sick, make a batch of cookie dough and eat it while walking around aimlessly through my favorite cemetery in my pajamas and slippers.

Yeah...that sounds way better.

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