Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Most Random Post About Random Randomness

In no particular order:

1- Rushing to the store to buy deodorant because you know yours is going to run out tomorrow but it ends up lasting another three months. Same goes for body wash.

2- Ever try to push a grocery cart through a half-ass snow plowed parking lot without getting stuck? It can't be done.

3- Getting your hair dyed for $75 at the salon is no better than the $8 box of hair dye at Walmart if you're going for a solid color. Your grays still return in the same amount of time. Cut your fucking hair and baste it in L'oreal.

4- If I'm nice enough to let a motherfucker pull in front of me when I'm stopped at a light and he doesn't say thank you? I'll ride up right next to his ass and flip him off. It takes less than a second to wave your hand. Do it. Dickbag.

5- We all have that single tissue in our car's side pocket that we've used and reused 18 times. Don't fucking lie about it.

6- What the fuck ever happened to Billy Mahoney? He beat the shit out of Keifer in Flatliners then fell off the planet.

7- See number 6 above, what the fuck ever happened to that hot piece of ass that is Billy Baldwin? Is he dead?

8- This week my 6 year old told me his neck was tired from holding his head up all day.

9- Hair tip #2...Don't cut your bangs when your hair is dirty. No matter how hard you try not to cut it too short, it's going to be too short. My bangs will be pinned back for the next two weeks because of this little incident. Wash that shit and cut it dry.

10-Turn your fucking headlights on when it gets dark. Just...do it.

11- If you're going to go out of your way to hang Christmas lights up on the outside of your house? Do that shit right. None of this crooked-ness. None of this half burned out-half lit. Don't just throw a pile of lights in a bush and call it a day. Don't put up the lights if your ass can't make a straight line. And take that shit down by the 3rd week of January. Anything else is unacceptable.

12- To all radio stations around the globe...Nirvana has more songs other than Smells Like Teen Spirit. Use some goddamn variety. If I hear "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World one more time everything will not be "just fine". Sometimes I don't have the energy to play music from my phone. The radio is not a sufficient replacement.

13- Don't be the dick who sees the lane closure ahead sign and try to get in front of me right when the lane is ending. You're not getting in front of me twat waffle. The only time it's acceptable for the guy behind me to ride my ass is when he's trying to block the dick bag off too. We've banded together and you're not getting in.

14- My son, for no reason at all said, "I appreciate you."...and then I gave him donuts for dinner.

15- You know that book ROOM that's being made into a movie that everyone has been raving about? The fuck? I can name 1,700 other better books with actual thought put into the plot other than a kid calling his dresser "wardrobe" as a name. Stupid kid.

16- Stores should let you buy a new purse, try it out for a week and return it-no questions asked-if it's not a good fit. It might be cute on the outside but when I can't find my keys or my lip shit or my fork, that's an issue.

17- I enjoy getting my blood drawn.

18- Don't put your fucking turn signal on at the last minute. I'm sitting over here waiting for your piece of shit SUV (that I can't see around) to pass by so I can pull out and then you decide to turn before reaching me? You deserve to die.

19- It's completely possible to eat yogurt with a fork with determination.

20- Are sagging pants still a thing? Here I am, stuffing my face with my beautifully crafted burrito bowl at Chipotle when this douche bag walks over to pour himself a root beer and I witness, mid-bite, his pants slowly falling off his hips. Fucker had a belt on too. I almost got up, snagged him by the rear belt loop and yanked that shit up. Tighten up, bitch!

21- SUVs. Trucks. Large moving vehicles. I am tired of being surrounded by you. I can't see around you when I want to turn or when pulling out of my parking spot. Do you know how hard it is to hold a cheeseburger in your mouth with no hands, balance a drink on your lap and turn with your pinkie finger all while trying to see around your behemoth beast with a motor?

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