Sunday, January 10, 2016

I'm better than yesterday--Worse than tomorrow!

How are you?

Better than yesterday--Worse than tomorrow!

Pamela Gold--2016

I don't hear voices but my deep thoughts come as if someone or something is whispering to me while I'm in the shower. It's always the shower. I'm not sure if that's because the whisperer knows I'll forget most of these thoughts by the time I can get to a piece of paper or what. 

The above answer to that typical question came to me today. I'm not sure if it's because I've read it before or if it's original. It seems original to me so I'm going with that for now. If I've plagiarized, do let me know.

So...I was wrong. It happens a lot but I came to realize this yesterday on my drive to Target (dressed like I should have been heading to Walmart). 

A few years ago I stopped taking a well known drug called Seroquel. I refer to it more as a detox because HOLY SHIT

As soon as the brain zaps showed up this week, I realized what I'm experiencing now isn't the new anti-anxiety medication (DUH!) but the withdrawal from the antidepressant. I honestly didn't know the withdrawal from antidepressants could be as intense as coming off a mood stabilizer or anti-psychotic (DUH!). My dose was lowered for about two weeks prior to my coming off. I didn't even think to ask, or look it up myself, until I was struggling. 

Brain zaps are no fucking joke. You'll be moving along with typical tasks when this jolt takes over and you can't do anything with your life for at least a minute. I know that doesn't seem like much but it happens over and over again and you're never prepared. And it hurts. It has finally calmed down. I got lucky this time in that it was only for a few days. The headache is still throbbing but the nausea and dizziness are mostly gone. 

I'm drinking a ton of water and fueling my body with food in hopes to help it stay strong through all of this. I starting taking my anti-anxiety pills again yesterday and now I go from here.

I'm honestly glad I didn't call my doctor. Sometimes working through the problems on my own give me a sense of structure. 

I wrote a poem on Friday about myself. I usually write from another's perspective. An unnamed man or woman. But this is about me. When I heard it read today, in another's voice, I cried. I cried because the underlying feeling still exists but it's also because I can't believe I'm going through all of this. Nobody should have to wander through life waiting to die. 


a call from the other side--

in the middle of the night I wake
a compression on my chest
i make out the shape of a figure
blending into the darkness
he is straddling me
my senses heighten
but I am not alarmed
i recognize he has arrived for me
to pull me into the hollow
it is soothing
i prepare to speak but he clears his throat
his finger moves to his lips
muting me further
he shakes his head from side to side
he is informing me that it is not my time
his visitation is to disclose there is more to be done
his display is praise
though I am not appeased
i am further troubled
left stranded
my eyes seal shut
he will have vanished when i come to
his weight still alive on my chest  
i roll onto my side
he has communicated beyond words
it is not my time

Pamela Gold 2016

1 Hour 19 Minutes 30 Seconds

So, how am I doing? I'm better than yesterday--worse than tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

2 comments:

  1. You should find a doctor that you like better. You don't seem to have a lot of respect for this one. You're probably right. And the poem sounds like a night terror. I hope things continue to get better for you.

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  2. I think it was beautifully and descriptively written . While I was reading it, you took me to that night, i saw what you saw. Heard what you heard. I could feel all that you, painted a clear picture of, emotionally/mentally-psychologically and physically I felt the pressure on my chest. I think it was good. I am no professional. But when I read poetry that is what I tend to look for and read. Good or bad feelings. Its a short clip of raw and sometimes uncensored emotions of anothers life, placed publically for all to share. And maybe even interpret on their own in what they think it is about. Anyway. Poems and stories are interactive and should cause you to question or maybe just ponder other ideas and that is what it did for me. For sure. Thank you.

    -T Ann Bell please excuse my spelling and poor punctuation, etc. Using my cell phone that doesn't like to cooperate all that long.

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