Friday, January 8, 2016

Losing

I can give mental health advice like a motherfucker. Am I really considered an advocate if I can't follow it myself?

I mentioned a few posts ago that I'm going through changes with my medication. Again.

Yesterday, right around lunch time the side-effects started to kick in from the new anti-anxiety pills I'm taking three times a day. I haven't felt nausea like that since I was pregnant seven years ago (and no, there's  no chance there is a human growing inside of me). I powered through that and the dizziness for the remainder of the work day. On my drive home, I had to pull over twice to vomit.

I'm so fucking done.

How can all of the side-effects hit me and others don't feel anything but better? There's definitely something in this world that is out to get me and I'm fucking sick of it.

I'm sitting here through blurred vision due to tears because I don't know what to do. I'm honestly too afraid to call or email my doctor because this change only took place three days ago and won't he just be like Give it a fucking chance?!

So I'm riding it out on my mood stabilizer alone and nothing more.

Last night I woke up in such a panic I didn't know what to do. I wanted someone to punch me in the face hard so I would see starts and pass out. The thoughts that arrive don't even make sense anymore. It's not a laundry list of shit to do it's gibberish and feels delusional but my doctor said that if I was having delusions I wouldn't know it, it would just happen. I popped a few Advil PMs and forced myself to lay still until sleep returned.

Do I consider Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) again?

This post is going nowhere.

Have a good weekend.


2 comments:

  1. This is one of those times when you question everything about life. Just remember that it's not gonna be bad forever. You have to get through this. Things will be better. Get the meds sorted out. Show up for work. 80 percent is just sowing up.

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  2. Get through it. Keep fighting and get through it. Ask the doctor for something new, remember that the patient comes first. I know when I wake in a panic, something that helped me a lot was just to focus on my breathing, not change it just focus on it, notice it. Everyone is different and I don't know what you've tried in the past, I only know what worked for me. The panic could have also been another side effect, you never know.

    Keep on keeping on.

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