Thursday, January 28, 2016

this isn't how a mother should feel

This morning I was running late to get out the door, drop my son off at school and get to the office. It's so cold out there today. It's usually a brisk wake up when I breathe in that cold mountain air. Today I wanted to punch it in its face.

I look half put together. I always make sure I'm well represented when I leave the apartment. Nobody could guess, on the surface, that my brain is broken. After dropping off my son I called to make myself an appointment. Self-care and shit. I don't normally have a problem getting in to see my psychiatrist. I've always counted on that. Today that blew up in my face.

I have a cold.

My head hasn't stopped aching for months.

I'm in the last week of tapering off my medication. There's nothing therapeutic in my system to help with any of my symptoms.

This paranoia I'm dealing with is making me feel like I'm losing touch with reality.

I could sleep for weeks.

I cannot focus.

Am I hearing shit? I'm not sure.

I'm snapping on my family who doesn't deserve it.

Today doesn't seem doable.

Tomorrow doesn't feel like it's going to arrive.

I keep seeing my little boy's face flash in my mind and his infectious smile brings tears to my eyes.

This isn't how a mother should feel.

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