Friday, January 22, 2016

Tomorrow will come if I make it through today...



Is it off the wall that when my doctor finally got on the phone with me to review my full lab work up and told me everything is in "normal" range, I broke down sobbing because I wanted something to be wrong so it could actually be fixed?

I'm filled with more anger than I've ever experienced in the last 7 years suffering with mental fucking illness.

I started doing (more) research yesterday on the medications at my disposal to present to my psychiatrist. I don't swallow pills because some dude with a degree tells me I should. I take an active part in my mental healthcare.

I came across one I hadn't heard about before so I emailed him. Within hours I got...Nah! Cognitive behavior side effects. That one's not for you!

Why do medications have so many fucking side effects? Leave it to me to land the rare ones.

I actually got a little excited about that stupid pill too. By dinnertime I was flipping grilled cheese sandwiches in a pan wishing I could just stop breathing for good (again).

It's been 3 weeks since I've been able to write creatively. I watched that being taken away from me from within my own body. I won't get that part of me back until I'm stabilized again. If ever.

Today I was asked how I continue to show up for work and get through day to day bullshit with all of the intrusive thoughts going on in my head. The truth is, I really don't know. When my alarm goes off, I just get the fuck out of bed and move like a robot. There's no feeling in here anymore. I'm numb to the core. I need time off to recover but I can only sneak 2 days here and there.

I look in the mirror as I'm getting ready...not to make sure my mascara makes it to my lashes, but to remind myself that I'm alive. I look hollow, even with the makeup, but there's skin over my bones. The dark circles under my eyes remind me that I made it to today. I make a point of not thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow will come if I make it through today. That's as far as I can project.

There's a few things I would love to have happen for me. Such simple things that would take minimal effort on another person's part. I want a warm, home-cooked meal brought to me unannounced with a bottle of cheap wine. I want this person to bring a serving to me while I sit on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. My hair will be a mess and I'll be wearing last Thursday's pajamas. My feet will be stuffed into slippers and my eyes will bulge from all the crying I've done. I want this person to sit next to me to tell me that she's sorry I'm feeling like this, but everything is going to be okay for today because she's here and she's going to take care of me. No talk of tomorrow. No talk of what my plan is. Then we'll sit there and stare at the TV for hours on end watching Criminal Minds because getting into someone else's head is all the medicine I need for the afternoon.

It won't happen though. People are too self-centered to think outside of the box. People are too worried about tomorrow instead of living in the now. Minute to minute. Hour to hour. People don't think of the tiniest things they could do to help make a person feel better. It's like they're fucking dumbfounded.

It's just not that hard.

It's really not.


6 comments:

  1. If you lived closer, I'd bring you food and wine. We could mindlessly watch Criminal Minds like we used to mindlessly watch Jerry Springer. BTW...I just noticed Princess of Darkness. You're such an ass lmao....just saying...

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  2. I honestly wish every day you were closer. We could bake and drink and eat and sit around in fuzzy pajamas because reasons. I truly, truly miss you. Also, if Naomi could do the cooking and baking, that would probably be better. <3

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  3. I hear you loud and clear. I wish those things too. People are busy...people are scared...people don't know what to do...frankly, sometimes I think that they are tired of my "winter is the bad time of year" so they disappear all together and come back when it's just plain anxiety but I'm in better spirits. I call them part time friends now.
    That's why online peeps are vital to my survival in the winter -- and all year round. i'll sit in my virtual stinky PJ's with you :)

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    1. I'm tired of other people's excuses so I told them how I feel and now we don't talk. Their loss because when they're not feeling well due to their own shit? I'm there with that hot ass plate of food I want so badly. And because when I'm not this low, I'm a fucking delight to be around. Nonvirtual people can go to hell.

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