Monday, January 4, 2016

What not to do when the depression might be lifting (trickery little fucker)

I have yet to read another person's experience on what not to do when you wake up one morning and feel a little bit better. Maybe the depression has lifted somewhat and the thought of not wanting to be on this Earth any longer isn't the first thing you think about when opening your eyes for the day.

I felt pretty okay on Saturday morning.

The day ahead was jammed full of errands that needed to be done whether or not I was feeling up for it.

It's my strong opinion that when the depression is making its way out, or at least lightening its load for now, your mind and body needs a recovery period. It needs time to re-acclimate and decompress. It's not time to jump back into real world needs. Those can wait.

Stay home. Watch TV. Read a book. Work on your hobby. Play board games. Drink coffee. Clean a little. Do some laundry. Veg the fuck out.

I ended up doing too much:

  • Grocery shopping with the whole family when I normally either go alone or with just one of my kids. It's not to say they weren't helpful, but my system and routine were shaken up and anxiety was high. I won't even mention the fact that I ordered meat from the deli and got distracted with buying onions and forgot to go back to retrieve said meat afterward. Fucking idiot. 
  • We attended my son's best friend's birthday party who just turned 7. The atmosphere surrounding this amazing little boy is always calm. It's not like any other children's birthday party you would expect. Knowing all that we still had to do, we only stuck around for present opening and cake. Their family is going through a tough time right now so just being there felt off and uncomfortable. I hope things are on the up for them soon. They're in my thoughts. 
  • My son was in desperate need of shoes. We started at Famous Footwear because that's normally where we end up purchasing but this time it didn't work out. Don't retail stores know it's winter and shoes should be made out of more material than just mesh? 
  • The mall. I hate the fucking mall. We went upstairs, downstairs then repeated to find shoes. I think we were at our eighth store when we finally scored a pair for under $50 that were going to keep his feet warm when snow boots aren't necessary. All of this after exchanging some clothes that were given as holiday gifts and didn't fit. It was so exhausting that I didn't even want to get a pretzel. Who doesn't want a mall pretzel in ever? Or go to Bath & Body Works? Who doesn't want to spend $15 on a bottle of lotion that's going to make you smell like a tropical sunrise?
  • Buffalo Wild Wings ended the evening. I'm not into this whole Ultimate Fighting Championship garbage because...just give a motherfucker a knife and slice his throat. I mean, why not? There's blood and goo and just plain nastiness all over that ring. So yeah, Buffalo Wild Wings during UFC. That was a fucking hoot. But...it was really hard to not look away between bites of fried pickles and wings. That shit is fucking whack!
So much stupid shit went on in between. There isn't a kind soul in the city of Denver right now. Everyone is in a hurry and pushing and shoving and I'm like CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS! I'm not a patient person, like at all, but seriously people, act like an adult. We're all out there battling the same errands. Can't we just not act like dicks to one another. Happy New Year and all that shit...?!

By the time we got home, and it wasn't late, I bathed my son and went straight to my bed. I did some reading and poking around on social media. I was fucking numb. I felt like I was back to square one. Completely defeated. 

Sunday...It's an unwritten rule that I don't leave the house on Sunday. Sunday is for housework and lounging and cooking and prepping for the week ahead and for dreading Monday by about 7pm because OH MY GOD IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AT THE OFFICE AGAIN! I broke the rule this time and ventured out. 

I won't dive into it but let's just say I had to go back out for that deli meat I forgot on Saturday and to purchase bus passes for my son (rates just went up too, motherfucker!) on top of having a late lunch with some family. 

My wish is that I stayed home in my comfy clothes, feet in my slippers, hair undone and for the love of all that can be amazing in my world WHO PUTS ON MAKE-UP ON SUNDAY?! It's like a law against gravity. 

It's time to say NO more often and YES to taking care of myself even if it means pissing other people off.

My well-being matters.

The end.


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