Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Maintaining a Level of Livability

I remember each of the three times I went into labor and actually walked out of the hospital with a baby in my arms (rather than with indigestion and a big fart rocking the boat). 

With my first, I was just 18 and already at the hospital seeing my doctor. I thought it was my fault when she told me my blood pressure was high and it was time to have this baby. As it turned out, I was in labor and didn't know it so it happened naturally. 

With my second, I was walking around the neighborhood to get labor kicked into gear. It worked! 

With my third, I tried all the remedies to get him out...Castor oil, sex, walking, spicy food. I was in and out with fake labor. He essentially fell out of my vagina the last time I went to the hospital and we've lived happily ever after.


He's a lot like me so we bump heads a lot but we never go to bed angry. Wait? This is my son, right? 

"They" say having a child will change your life. Well, having a child with a ten year gap between him and your middle child really changes your life. 

I was handed a baby with a side of postpartum depression and an anxiety disorder to boot. 

I was delivered the power to love my family hard; even more so than prior to having my third child. 

When the PPD didn't subside after more than a year, I was told I would deal with this for the rest of my life.

I decided to share my experiences online because somewhere there was a woman suffering in silence and she needed to know she wasn't alone. 

I struggle day to day with what how my mood will shift and mold and land into what is. 

I fight off the urge to end my life because I deserve to live dammit...and my husband deserves a loving wife and my children deserve a caring mother who wants to live. Who wants to thrive. Who wants to help others in the process of maintaining a level of livability. 

Today I wish the happiest of birthdays to my now seven year old. My little love. My best friend. My heart. My soul. To the flesh and blood who I look at each day and am reminded that I should stick around. 

I'm off to buy donuts for his first grade class. I reserve the right to buy a dozen for myself. It's a day of celebration for me too! I'm still here and I'm moving onward and upward. These fucking obstacles have got nothing on me. Not today.  

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