Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Smiling is Contagious

A little over a week ago I received a phone call from my sister. I've never sat still for so long listening to a person speak. I hung onto her every word. Over the span of about an hour, I was introduced to Louise Hay and Dr. Wayne Dyer. 

A few days later I received the most wonderful package filled with books, DVDs and CDs. Every single day since I've gobbled up words and philosophies, and quite honestly, some of the most simple guidance tools I have ever heard. It made the light go on in my head and each day it glows brighter. 

I've taken notes, made affirmation note cards, cried over just about everything (in a good way), and smiled more than I have in months. 

When I reached a specific point in Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, it all made sense. She explains that this way of living isn't for everyone but eventually you come around. It's all about timing. When you're ready, it will find you, and the healing can begin. 

I have a lot of work to do. It will be a life long obstacle. I'm excited that this way of life found me when it did. 

I used to wake up every morning, without fail, and curse the day. Why was I still alive? What do I have to look forward to? Now when I wake up, the first thing I do is smile. While still in bed, I reach for my phone to read the day's affirmations in my email, new ones I haven't heard yet. Then I grab my stack of affirmation cards I made and I read all of the ones meant for beginning a new day while my coffee pot wakes up. Then I head to the shower and as I'm going through the motions I whisper all of the things I am thankful for. It's hard to do that without smiling. 

Smiling is contagious, you know. 

Does all of this mean I don't have moments of anger or negativity? Of course not. Now I'm armed with the tools to get through these moments until I can smile again.

I haven't been this happy in a long time. I have my sister to thank. 

Saturday, April 16, 2016

People Can Change

When I woke up this morning I had a huge smile on my face. I rolled over, sunk deeper into my pillows and drew the blanket up to my chin. I was thankful for the extra few hours of restful sleep.

Then I remembered what day it was. No, not that it was the weekend. It's storm warning day. Spring snow in Denver can be a dangerous, heavy and wet experience. I'm delighted at the idea that I am locked in my apartment with no thoughts of leaving until Monday. I also hope that anyone who needs to step outside today does so with caution.

I looked out the window and my usual view of the mountains was fogged over, hiding behind the haze of the thick snowfall coming down steadily. 

My agenda today is small but it gives me joy. I'll spend it reading, cooking, baking, writing, watching TV, listening to the boys make up silly games...relaxing! 

My mental health is rather balanced and has been for the past several days. I had some labs drawn and my doctor called me to review and tweak some of my medication. 

I have to say that I'm doing rather well. I'm trying to find the good in my surroundings and each time I feel my mind thinking a negative thought I stop it in its tracks and start over.

It finally feels as if the universe is aligned and the changes I am making are falling into place. 

It's unbelievable to me that the things I am doing to make a better life for myself and those surrounding me are things I would have thought were too new-agey or out in left field just last year. I wasn't ready to accept it then but after a single conversation a week ago where I sat still and listened with an efficient ear, I saw the world in a new light. 

I'm excited for what's to come!  

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Step Into the Light

For the most part, I've always seen myself as a realist. Someone you could come to if you want an honest answer to any question. Someone who is never fake. 

I have always known that I walk around with a sort of dark cloud hovering over me but at the same time, I know how to let my hair down and have a good time. 

I know I have a negative twist within my soul, I do. Only, it wasn't until the other night that I learned how dark and negative I could really be. It brings tears to my eyes as I type these words. To know that people fear approaching me saddens me even further. 

I'm always going to like everything horror and my sense of humor will always be dark but I don't need to be unapproachable. I just can't have that. 

In all honesty, it's so much easier to be a negative person. Why? It takes minimal effort.  

Then I got to thinking about hope. Hope for my future. Hope that my mental illness will even out and allow me to live with a bit of freedom. 

Everything happens for a reason, right?

What if I was handed this mental illness and someone out there was thinking, she'll never figure this thing out...she's too negative. 

What if the key to being healthier has been within my reach the entire time? 

Maybe, just maybe, if I look for the good in something negative instead of doing what I normally do, which is hide under a blanket and cry and wonder why me? What if that's all it takes?

Here's the thing...I'm 38 years old. Do you know how hard it's going to be to reverse 38 years of going to the dark side?

I'm up for the challenge. 

Friday, April 8, 2016

Snap out of it! Fuck you!

Just smile!

Think positive thoughts!

Snap out of it!

This is the kind of shit you say to someone who has the blues about the shirt arriving in the mail that she ordered online and it's the wrong size. 

This isn't the kind of shit you say to someone who is battling an illness that keeps her from being happy most of the time.

I'll just put this out there....you're not sure what to say to me? Then either go with silence or send over a smiley face or a heart. 

I appreciate the many of you who have reached out to me over the last few weeks. I really do. It shows me how many lives I've touched and who has noticed my absence. 

What's happening now? My body is adjusting to new medication. When I was in the hospital I came off my old medication cold turkey with the thinking that ECT on top of adding new meds would help combat withdrawal. It actually worked. I wouldn't recommend going this route to anyone, however. 

I don't normally list medication names here but in this case I'm going to. I'm back on Lithium. The drug tends to work for me but it changes the way anything I put into my mouth tastes. Last night I sat down to a beautiful plate of spaghetti. It tasted like I was gargling a mouthful of pennies. Yum. 

I can't say that the Lithium and new antidepressant are working yet but it's still early. The waiting is the hardest.

I'm seeing my new therapist on Tuesday. 

I have yet to see my psychiatrist since leaving the hospital. I imagine that'll happen at some point next week too. 

I hate to admit it but my hope is dwindling. 

Monday, April 4, 2016

I was hospitalized for 72 hours!

Two weeks ago today I voluntarily walked into the emergency room and openly admitted my suicidal intentions. I was placed on an immediate 72 hour hold.

I thought, okay...pack a bag filled with books, coloring books, and comfortable clothes. You need a break, a complete break from life interlaced with daily therapy sessions and new medication. I honestly thought said break was going to do me some good.

A lot went down in that hospital before I was released. I can openly admit that I am pretty damn sure I will never be the person who initially walked through those doors. Never again.

I've become this person who walks around with fear in every waking step. I didn't know a person could be as fragile as this. I could lay in my bed and sleep for months.

My social media presence no longer exists.

If it weren't for my husband guiding my moves, I don't think I would even remember to eat or use the bathroom.

People usually look to me for my straight-forwardness and my easy going sense of humor.

Someone tell me that I will find myself inside this pile of rubbish soon.

Someone tell me that tears cannot continue to fall this rapidly.

Someone please tell me that I'm going to be me again. Someway. Somehow.

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