Monday, April 4, 2016

I was hospitalized for 72 hours!

Two weeks ago today I voluntarily walked into the emergency room and openly admitted my suicidal intentions. I was placed on an immediate 72 hour hold.

I thought, okay...pack a bag filled with books, coloring books, and comfortable clothes. You need a break, a complete break from life interlaced with daily therapy sessions and new medication. I honestly thought said break was going to do me some good.

A lot went down in that hospital before I was released. I can openly admit that I am pretty damn sure I will never be the person who initially walked through those doors. Never again.

I've become this person who walks around with fear in every waking step. I didn't know a person could be as fragile as this. I could lay in my bed and sleep for months.

My social media presence no longer exists.

If it weren't for my husband guiding my moves, I don't think I would even remember to eat or use the bathroom.

People usually look to me for my straight-forwardness and my easy going sense of humor.

Someone tell me that I will find myself inside this pile of rubbish soon.

Someone tell me that tears cannot continue to fall this rapidly.

Someone please tell me that I'm going to be me again. Someway. Somehow.

Please.
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2 comments:

  1. Did something happen to you at the hospital that is of concern. Were you mistreated?

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  2. You will find yourself again. You may have to treat yourself differently. Probably kinder. Those of us that have a mental illness are pretty hard on ourselves. It will take sometime to learn skills that help you and not hurt you. The crying will get less and less. You might even be able to enjoy lifes little pleasures after a bit. Give it time. Finding the right medication is frustrating. In the meantime; it is VERY good for the brain to only do 10 minutes of vigorous exercise each day to "jumpstart" your brain. Diet is also very important. They don't tell many people this because Mental Health Institutes like their drug money. There are two evidence based therapies that you should inquire about. One is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) & DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy). They both teach skills to retrain the way you process and interpret thoughts. The good news is that our brains actually make new neural pathways once new thinking begins. Then you need to train your brain to go down the correct path. I can't tell you that you will be the person you are used to. I know I am not. But I have better friends, a loving and supportive family, a good therapist and can enjoy a great deal more in my life. You will be okay. ~ Heather

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