Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Step Into the Light

For the most part, I've always seen myself as a realist. Someone you could come to if you want an honest answer to any question. Someone who is never fake. 

I have always known that I walk around with a sort of dark cloud hovering over me but at the same time, I know how to let my hair down and have a good time. 

I know I have a negative twist within my soul, I do. Only, it wasn't until the other night that I learned how dark and negative I could really be. It brings tears to my eyes as I type these words. To know that people fear approaching me saddens me even further. 

I'm always going to like everything horror and my sense of humor will always be dark but I don't need to be unapproachable. I just can't have that. 

In all honesty, it's so much easier to be a negative person. Why? It takes minimal effort.  

Then I got to thinking about hope. Hope for my future. Hope that my mental illness will even out and allow me to live with a bit of freedom. 

Everything happens for a reason, right?

What if I was handed this mental illness and someone out there was thinking, she'll never figure this thing out...she's too negative. 

What if the key to being healthier has been within my reach the entire time? 

Maybe, just maybe, if I look for the good in something negative instead of doing what I normally do, which is hide under a blanket and cry and wonder why me? What if that's all it takes?

Here's the thing...I'm 38 years old. Do you know how hard it's going to be to reverse 38 years of going to the dark side?

I'm up for the challenge. 

3 comments:

  1. I've wanted to say this to you, but I thought you'd drive out to Jersey just to kick me...xo

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    Replies
    1. I would never do that. See? It's the unapproachable thing again. I had a long talk with my sister and she's helping me to straighten my ass. I am so thankful that she did give me a good talking to.

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    2. I found that I can force a smile a few times and then it will stick and lighten my mood. I wouldn't force a smile in public, because it looks weird the first few times. But then it becomes natural. It's not gonna change your life for the rest of your life, but it's a good tool for your toolbox. And we do need a toolbox.

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