Monday, September 19, 2016

Stop telling me it's going to be okay...

I don't come around here anymore out of embarrassment. I was flying high for months. Then June hit and took a shit on me and I haven't regained full consciousness since. 

Yesterday I cried from 7-am until 10-pm. At one point I at least had enough sense to start drinking water so I wouldn't dehydrate. 

The reason I still move forward.
I got blood drawn this morning for some labs my doctor is running. How sad is it that I hope he finds something wrong, something so far-gone that that's that with that for me? That way I can't be directly blamed and eventually my family can move forward.

I don't know why I fucking came here today. 

No, actually I do. 

I came here today to say exactly what's on my mind without having to look people in the face who wave me off or say that things will get better if I just believe it will.

Because, really? 

Is that all I have to fucking do?

Man, I wish I tried that. 

"Just breathing" or "Just believing" or "Just snapping out of it because what the fuck do you have to be sad for" isn't helpful. 

It's probably why I'm not talking to you directly anymore. If you were wondering. 

I'm in an asshole state of mind right now and I can't apologize for it. 

I'm losing my hair more than I should be (Lithium), my skin is scratched raw beneath my clothing (Anxiety), I can't sleep (Hot/Cold/Paranoia), I'm experiencing wicked withdrawal symptoms from weaning off yet another medication (like a fucking heroin junkie), and this doesn't even begin to touch the surface of Bipolar highs and lows and SO MUCH ANGER. 

Stop telling me it will be okay because YOU want it to be okay. 

Just stop.

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