Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Coming Out of the {Bipolar} Closet



I've been open with everyone in my life since my bipolar diagnosis almost eight years ago. When my family and I relocated from Florida to Colorado to start over, I hid it from people who didn't already know. I thought I could erase the fact that I'm bipolar if I didn't allow the discussion to surface. It worked for a short while.

I took a job that was intense; complete with yelling and screaming from the owner every single day. Once I figured it was time to look for a new job, I wasn't doing so hot with my mentally ill self.

I secured a new job and have been here ever since, a little over two years. Nobody here knows the extent of my mental health. I've dropped little clues but what is known is that I suffer with anxiety and depression. I was even hospitalized last year and they know the reason to be a nervous breakdown.

I don't want anyone here to know. I don't want to talk about it anymore with the people who do know. I know it won't change what I am but it will change how people approach me. I've been on lock down, in my own head, because I'm ashamed. I feel like a monster for having this illness.

Educating people in person about being bipolar is hard work and there are a lot of questions and topics raised out of ignorance. It's scary when faced with it because you want to believe, in the time we live in, that people are more open to it. The stigma still exists and it's going nowhere fast.

My moods are cycling fast and right now I'm in the anger phase. I'll be mean to anyone who talks to me without really wanting that to happen. The underlying depression still exists at the same time.

My new drug has been in my system for 18 days. All it has done for me is make me tired. When I say tired, I'm not just yawning extra. I can be having a face to face conversation with you and doze off. It's embarrassing and it's scary. I'm determined to give it until my next psychiatrist appointment in two weeks. Until then there's extra coffee and caffeinated soda all around me.

Where do you stand on coming out of the bipolar closet?



3 comments:

  1. You have nothing to be ashamed of!!!! Yes, I know that's easy to say, and that it's unbelievably hard to change how you feel, but I need to say it, because it's true!! I love you, and everything that makes you who you are!! I hate that you struggle, and suffer each and every day with this. I wish that we were closer. I wish this world was more accepting. I wish you could be free of the demons this illness has been throwing at you for so long. But this illness will never change how much I love you. How important you are to me. How much you amaze me, every second, with your strength. Every time you wake up, you win!! You kick this illness in the ass!! It might feel like it owns you, but it doesn't. You don't let it!! You are my hero!!!!

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  2. I love that you're writing again. I hope it helps you as much as it's helping all the people who are struggling and find their way to your blog. And I'm so proud of you saying a big fuck you to the stigma of mental illness and being so open about what you're going through. You may not always feel amazing, but we all know you are xo

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  3. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 with psychosis. I don't tell anyone either. Out of shame. Out of not wanting people to think I'm crazy. Or that I'm a weak person. On the outside, I try so hard to pretend that I'm a normal person. But on the inside I struggle and suffer, in silence. Like you Pam, none of the meds have worked for me. And I've been on all of them. I too thought moving down here to Florida would help, but it's barely put a dent in my mental status. Honestly, my daughter is the only thing in my life that makes me want to keep moving forward. I have hopes that one day I'll be normal again. Whether that ever happens, I don't know. But I know I have to keep trying, for my daughter. I hope that you get better too, Pam. And don't give up trying.��

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