Friday, July 28, 2017

He Feels | She Feels

What happens when your spouse holds on to the positive and you just don't know how to get on board with that anymore?

I'm talking about the state of my mental health.

I'm the wife who has taken dozens of different combinations of drugs, gave talk therapy a few tries and underwent ECT, twice.

He's the husband who stood by my side when I arrived home with new prescription bottles, coaxed me to give it one more try (therapy) and backed me up when I wanted to test the ECT waters again.

You guys, he's been very supportive but I'm at my end and he wants to keep trying.

I get it. I do. He wants me to be better. To enjoy waking up each morning and face the day with a smile. To stop crying and start laughing. I want those things too. When the methods you're using to be better aren't working, it's hard to stay positive.

I used to be able to count on feeling well when October rolled around. Fall is my favorite time of the year. I also don't mind Winter when I'm home all warmed up as the snow falls outside. When Spring hits I'm usually okay until the 80 degree days arrive. Summer, though, is the worst. I can't count on any one time of the year where I'll be on the up and up. It doesn't work like that for me and I'm jealous of those who know.

My days consist of intrusive thoughts and paranoia (although, if you wonder if you're paranoid, can you really be?). I want to rush though the work day so I can get home and be in my pajamas. Some days I cook dinner and other days it's a cereal kind of night.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed.

I can't remember the last time I smiled and laughed throughout an entire day.

I can't remember the last time I felt like I truly wanted to keep breathing.

When is this going to change?

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