Thursday, July 20, 2017

Powering Through

I walked into his bedroom this morning to see if he wanted breakfast. He was curled up on his right side and only his small eight year old face was sticking out. I didn't have the heart to wake him. Instead I stood there watching him sleep. His long, dark eyelashes lay against his upper cheek and his breathing was steady.

This is how I start each of my days before I take off for work. I like the sense of quiet that blankets my apartment at the start of the day. All of that changes as soon as I hop in my car and head to the work.

My office is a rather quiet place too. Most of the time. On occasion, multiple coworkers come in and each thinks it's good etiquette to use speaker phone for every call. The noise rustles something within me and the panic and anxiety are set free. Deep breaths, getting up from my chair and pacing, going to the bathroom, and finally, swallowing an anti-anxiety pill are some things I do to get through it.

Dealing with panic and anxiety often leads to a headache and exhaustion. I feel like I've just run a few miles and I'm coming down from that high and just want to pass out. The rest of the day still lies before me and so I do the thing I'm best at. Faking my mood until I can call it a day.

I've become quite lazy for probably the last six months. I get no exercise and while I know that would help, I can't bring myself to get it done. The medication I take is sedating and doesn't help the situation. Shame on me.

I get into these phases where I don't want to cook even though the house is stocked with ingredients to make delicious dinners. Instead I take the family out, they'll eat cereal or I ask my husband to pick up sandwiches. I'm that exhausted.

My doctor wants to switch me to a lower dose of medication for 10 days, which to me is just stupid. I'll just be back to this level anyway and I've already been on it for a week. Honestly, it's the money. It doesn't matter how many pills are dispensed, it will always cost $50 a pop. I can't justify that.

He knows that I'm at my end. I don't want to keep trying new medications. I know that out there lies the perfect drug combination. I've been trying for 8 years to find it. It gets old, you know?

So here I am...powering through.

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