Thursday, May 31, 2018

It's Torture

Trigger Warning: Talk of suicide ahead!

I have to get some things out of my head. I don't think it's going to make me feel better but it has to go somewhere besides my cluttered mind.

In the 30's. That's the number of medications I've tried over the years.

In the 30's. That's the number of medications that have failed me over the years.

I have a constant headache, a horrible attitude, heavy depression, a wandering mind and no will to live.

Not only did I cancel my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (I was afraid of being too honest with him) but I nearly killed two pedestrians with my car on my ride home from work. One man on a bike and the other out for a run. When I say I nearly killed them, I was within inches.

At a typical psychiatrist visit (I found a new one by the way) I'm honest about my depression state. Last time, as I recall, I told him I lost the will to do this anymore. That's when he asked if I was suicidal. I usually skip around the question and say I wouldn't mind not breathing anymore. That usually overrides the need for him to ask if I have a plan.

A plan.

How you would do it.

Not when.

The when is the date and if you don't have a date you're not going to follow through.

I'm really not okay and I'm really not willing to go to the hospital. At the hospital, they want to do something drastic like ECT (been there, done it). Or your meds will be swapped around in a hurry and you'll be rushed out of there as fast as they can make that happen.

If the hospital were a place dedicated to mental health and not mixed in with people who have substance abuse issues, I wouldn't hesitate like this. While group sessions in the hospital are separated, some stragglers still end up in your group. I have nothing against people with substance abuse issues, but when I'm in the hospital for mental health issues, I want that to be my focus and my only focus. I'm not there to buddy up. I'd much rather one on one therapy/psychiatry time and time to sleep, gather my thoughts and ready myself for the real world again.

This is never going to happen.

Being Bipolar is a death sentence. When you're depressed but not Bipolar, chances are it's situational. And by no means am I saying any form of depression doesn't suck. It's the worst. I'm just saying that when you're Bipolar and going through yet another round of depression, for the most part, you don't have a reason. It just happens. It's nowhere near the same.

A total mind fuck.

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