Friday, June 1, 2018

A Rambling Crisis

I was talking to a friend today about people who don't get what we're going through. People want to get it, they try, but they still can't pull it off.

I'll be honest. I've been researching mental health inpatient hospitals in my area today. Not a single one is dedicated only to mental health. And I'm sorry--not sorry, Wendy, but please go take your Cocaine habit somewhere else. I want you to get better, yada yada yada, but your habit interferes with my treatment.

So I'll be powering through. Like always.

Pushing those intense thoughts of wanting to hurt myself into the wasteland, because that's what needs to be done.

I'll just be sitting over here, you know, on the verge of tears every moment of every day because WHAT OTHER OPTIONS DO I HAVE?


Why doesn't Bipolar depression warrant someone bringing me a fucking lasagna?

I may not be hooked up to an IV so you can visibly SEE my illness but it's there. OH it's fucking there and shame on you for thinking otherwise.

I get that you may not want to stop by and bring me said lasagna because then you'd have to hold a conversation with me. I SO fucking get that. Wanna know why? I don't want to make small talk with you either. Not right now. I'm more focused on the full pill bottles in my purse that I can't swallow because I have responsibilities and shit and wouldn't want to come off as SELFISH.

There are other options. It's called delivery. You know like pizza or sandwiches or anything these days because there's a delivery for every restaurant.

You want to know how to help? Send food. Send wine (they deliver that too). I don't want to leave my house because I physically can't outside of going to work. I'm already sitting here at work concocting a way home early because my anxiety is higher than it's ever been.

I won't apologize for my tone today. If people can look at me or text me or call me asking what I'm going to do about my current mental health crisis as if I'm able...I'm going to say exactly how I feel.

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