Friday, June 22, 2018

How Do You Do That Again?

Two and a half weeks ago, my Lithium dose was raised. I've had my blood work completed and my levels are still within range. High, but in range. I'll take it.

Not long after something changed. I've been describing it as if someone took a scraper and just barely removed the top part of my brain. I'm still depressed but not as much.

The suicidal ideation has never left the building. Yesterday it was a real scream.

Here's the thing... I don't know how to laugh anymore. Like, really laugh. I think joking around is stupid. I'm so fucking angry. Like, I could cut you, angry. The crying bullshit is back. I cry all the fucking time and for seemingly no reason. How do you explain to the people closest to you that you think all of that is a waste of time? They'll shake their head and walk away. Or they throw out there... You used to this and that. And I say, well I don't know how anymore. And that's the fucking truth.

Who wants to live this way?
Totally. Fucking. Edited. 

I mean seriously. I live with my husband and two of my kids.

Taking extra Ativan and throwing back a few drinks does not make anything better. It makes me numb and I need to be this way in order to make it through. That's not to say there's an addiction involved. I've had an unopened bottle of wine for over a week in my kitchen. Half the time I don't take my third dose of Ativan.

I looked into the mirror this morning and my eyes started to drool. I don't sleep much anymore, my eyes are sunken and dark beneath. I need to lose weight and I need to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other or I'm not going to make it, man. I'm just not.

I had an assignment by my doctor to take a discount card for some medication he wanted me to try. I got in touch with the powers that be and my portion of the payment would be $190/month. Thanks but no thanks. Continual upsets like this make me want to smash shit.

I had no choice but to go to work today. After looking at my reflection, I decided the only thing that would make today work is red lipstick and passing the day as quick as possible.

Back to the psychiatrist on Wednesday.


1 comment:

  1. I am throwing this out there - have you tried NAC? Don't ask me what the long form of it is but it is a vitamin of sorts. Natasha Tracy from Bipolar Burble did a study on it I believe on her blog or did a write up of it. My psych asked me to try it and I wanted to rip his face off. This was well over a year or more ago. I want to say it made a difference in the depression department. He said it did too. Thing is, I stopped taking it when I fell ill in the fall when all my stomach and body part stuff started going on. I thought I was taking wayyyyy too many things and plus, I ran out. My stomach needed a break from things. Now I'm like a hot mess. Obviously with my son being a hot mess too, it's not helping. My psych has once again asked me to go back on it and once again I (internally wanted to rip his face off) but my husband said "I think you should try. What do you have to lose?" -- bastard.
    Anyway, my point is, I just wanted to let you know that this is something that I've tried and maybe it could be helpful to you? Even if it's just a little? I hate that youre feeling this way and that it costs so much to be sick. It shouldn't.
    NAC is like 30 bucks I believe for a 2 month or so supply? I can't remember. It's not to replace what you take. It's just to add.
    Keep adding lipstick and the jams girl. You've got this.

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