Thursday, June 14, 2018

This post is not directed at anyone specific...



I'm tired of you telling me how strong I am.

I'm not.

Not an ounce of strong resides in this body.

Sometimes, for reasons unknown, I'll leave the room and have a silent cry.

Is that what makes me strong?

The idea that I can have a total meltdown without making a sound?

That I can return to the room and you have no idea how weak I actually am?

If only you could hear the racing thoughts making laps in my head.

Constant addition in milligrams and ounces.

Constant wondering of how high is that structure.

Constant planning of when and where.

Strong.

I'm as weak as they come.

I get that sometimes you're unsure of what to say to me so you turn to building me up.

You don't realize that sometimes it does a hell of a lot more harm than good.

I say thank you because it's the right thing to do, but I'm really trying to just move it along.

What does strength really have to do with getting through day after day with Bipolar Disorder?

It's not strength.

I call it powering through.

Everything in my life is a struggle right now.

Telling me how strong I am makes me feel weaker than ever.

Do you even know what I'm going through?

Do you know what my illness is?

Do you realize I'm going to have this forever?

Bipolar depression isn't situational.

Bipolar (hypo) mania isn't fun.

Bipolar Disorder is medication (I've tried over 30), therapy, ECT (10 years of my memory has been erased), hospitalizations, suicide attempts (sometimes successful), crisis hotlines, not wanting to take care of yourself, not wanting to cook or clean or leave the house, severe depression, mania (it isn't always creativity--sometimes it's anger), avoiding friends and family, irritability, careless spending, reckless behavior, anxiety (sometimes crippling), zero concentration, and on and on and on. 





I know you're trying.

But I also know, if you tried harder, you'd get it right.

Disclosure: Of course not everyone with BD experiences the same symptoms, gets the same treatments, feels the way I do. This is my perception. 

1 comment:

  1. I had 8 years of meds. With 4 crisis in between all of them i finally was able to realise to myself enough is enough, i quitted all drugs, meds and marijuanas, alcohol and coffees. My choice was serious. I endured the first 5 months with absolutly nothing, my body finally started to go back to himself and I kept the discipline of taking absolutely nothing related to meds, joints, alcohol or coffees, no stimulations of that kind whatsoever. .. 3 years have passed since then, and I keep the same magic attitudes of no DRUGS AT ALL. 3 years this August that I got free of Bipolarity Lies!

    Add Me! I know what you are living more than many will ever be!

    https://www.facebook.com/joaocarlos.palhinhacastillo

    ReplyDelete

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