Sunday, July 8, 2018

What's Wrong With Me?

We all get that feeling on Sunday where we realize tomorrow is Monday and it's time to go back to work. I've been on vacation for 9 1/2 days and have nothing but dread for tomorrow.

After getting out of bed today, I tried to relax and watch a show I recorded that I like a lot. I couldn't get into it--my thoughts were searching for something else. Anything other than thinking of going to work. So after the show I kept half an eye on, I did some laundry, made knock off Orange Julius deliciousness for the kids and I and took a shower.

Still having a case of the blahs, I decided to meal prep for the next few days. Tomorrow is all set for the microwave and to cut up fruit to add to the side. I chopped up a bunch of veggies for a delicious soup my family enjoys for the following day. I just have to saute it up with some spices and add cooked rice. I even have a loaf of bread dough ready to be pulled out of the freezer to defrost and rise while I'm away.

Then I made a pizza and stored it away for my son to grab for lunch all week long.

None of this makes me excited to return to work by any means. It just prepares me to do less when I get home. Dinnertime is pretty important around these parts.

On top of all this, I started my new medication right as vacation started. I'm tired all the time and I'm worried about getting up at 5:45am instead of 9am. How will I function?

I'm trying to stay somewhat positive but I honestly don't know how. I went from being a pretty big deal in my position at work to mainly handling data entry and it's not something I care for anymore. It wasn't a demotion, more of a....hey you can handle all this so we don't need additional staff, right?

I think big changes are coming but I don't know what they are. Good or bad, something is about to change at work, home, wherever. Until then, I'll be sitting over here wondering what I can do to make tomorrow a little easier.

Still depressed? More than ever.

Emotions? Crying. Lots of tears.

Anger? Still pissed. Nothing is helping. I cried in a public restaurant while my family sat at their table.

Suicidal? Even while staring at the most exquisite landscapes while hiking, yes, I still want to die. But that's not the same is it? Let's just say I fantasize.

What's wrong with me?

Friday, July 6, 2018

Vacation is Good for the Soul

I spent the last week on vacation from work, at home and around town, but not at the office.

It's a freeing feeling at night not having to get lunch ready, set out clothes, keep an eye on the clock and such fun to be sitting around and decide to hit the pool.

I'm fully aware of how far gone I am when it comes to my mental health. I started a new medication just before vacation began and don't feel anything different (please done tell me to give it time).

I know what I should be doing to get to a better place: exercise, eat right, get out of the house...and on and on. It's logical.

The thing is, I sit behind a desk all day waiting for time to pass so I can get home, where I actually like being. I'm having trouble liking my job as of late. I've been there for three years and my role has changed considerably over time. I am a glorified assistant who does a ton of data entry at this point and it's a bore. The benefits and pay are nice so I just do it and very little else.

When Saturdays roll around, the idea of getting up and ready to do anything make me emotional. So each weekend I end up cooking (or not) and watching TV while doing laundry and cleaning. Very little else goes on. I make excuses that I'm too tired, too anxious or have too much to do at home. All are true but I know if I really wanted to make other things happen, I could.

Anyhow, my point is...the photos that follow. I had a great time with experiences out of my comfort zone and I really enjoyed it. All of it.

Are you asking yourself if that's snow? In July? It is. Idaho Springs, CO 

The lake, evergreens, mountains, sky & beautiful clouds. Idaho Springs, CO

Cold creek water rushing downstream over boulders. Cherry Creek, CO (Denver)
Tomorrow is Saturday. The day will be spent on a college campus with my son exploring and taking in the new city. Then we'll venture to a Japanese steak house for dinner and worry not about the clock. 

I'm going to try hard not to let the grind get me down so I can enjoy the weekend possibilities. I'll continue to work my way out of my comfort zone in order to enjoy life again. I know this will help my mental health considerably. 

Will you remind me I said this when I come here with a different tone?

Last...If you enjoy the photos in this post, there's so much more where that came from. Check out my blog in my own name, Pamela Gold.