Sunday, July 8, 2018

What's Wrong With Me?

We all get that feeling on Sunday where we realize tomorrow is Monday and it's time to go back to work. I've been on vacation for 9 1/2 days and have nothing but dread for tomorrow.

After getting out of bed today, I tried to relax and watch a show I recorded that I like a lot. I couldn't get into it--my thoughts were searching for something else. Anything other than thinking of going to work. So after the show I kept half an eye on, I did some laundry, made knock off Orange Julius deliciousness for the kids and I and took a shower.

Still having a case of the blahs, I decided to meal prep for the next few days. Tomorrow is all set for the microwave and to cut up fruit to add to the side. I chopped up a bunch of veggies for a delicious soup my family enjoys for the following day. I just have to saute it up with some spices and add cooked rice. I even have a loaf of bread dough ready to be pulled out of the freezer to defrost and rise while I'm away.

Then I made a pizza and stored it away for my son to grab for lunch all week long.

None of this makes me excited to return to work by any means. It just prepares me to do less when I get home. Dinnertime is pretty important around these parts.

On top of all this, I started my new medication right as vacation started. I'm tired all the time and I'm worried about getting up at 5:45am instead of 9am. How will I function?

I'm trying to stay somewhat positive but I honestly don't know how. I went from being a pretty big deal in my position at work to mainly handling data entry and it's not something I care for anymore. It wasn't a demotion, more of a....hey you can handle all this so we don't need additional staff, right?

I think big changes are coming but I don't know what they are. Good or bad, something is about to change at work, home, wherever. Until then, I'll be sitting over here wondering what I can do to make tomorrow a little easier.

Still depressed? More than ever.

Emotions? Crying. Lots of tears.

Anger? Still pissed. Nothing is helping. I cried in a public restaurant while my family sat at their table.

Suicidal? Even while staring at the most exquisite landscapes while hiking, yes, I still want to die. But that's not the same is it? Let's just say I fantasize.

What's wrong with me?

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