Thursday, September 27, 2018

October 17th

My mind is spinning. It's racing. It's slowing down.

No matter how much I sleep, the exhaustion weighs heavy overhead. It skins my intelligence. It makes me spacey. It takes my emotions and places them on the outside for the world to observe.

This is a mixture of being Bipolar and having an illness I have no idea what it is. It's a mixture of BP lows and the having to wait three weeks to see a specialist. It's a mixture of fake happiness from being with my loved ones and strolling the aisles of the drugstore, thoughts taking over of what to buy, what would mix "well" and free me from the chaos.

The lump in my throat is permanent.

The wetness soaking my eyelashes through, one continuous burn.

I've been mind-fucked by my doctors, my insurance company, my bank account and everyone who tells me it's going to be okay. You don't know what is and what isn't, so please stop telling me it's going to be okay. You sit with this pain and the actions that follow for the next three weeks while being told it's all going to be fixed, just wait it out, don't eat hardly anything and it'll be okay.

Am I angry?


I understand the want people have of my getting better but saying it doesn't mean it will be true. Think it all you want. I'm not being selfish. I want to be okay but right now, and for the next three plus weeks, I'm not going to be okay.

When you go through something like this, you think of the worst possible thing happening. Then you read about it. Then you look at pictures of it. Then you look into the procedures and the "cure". Of course I know it's not the best possible scenario to do these things. But when you have to wait it out, your mind gets the better of you so you poke around. Your doctor gives you a list of possibilities, until the next appointment, and so it feels okay to look into.

How has an issue like this affected you?

October 17th.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

The Things You Can Learn About Your Insurance Company -- If You Take the Time!

There were things I learned about today about (my) health insurance that I want to share just in case you ever find yourself in the same position.

A few days ago I shared this post that explains a bit about the health problems I'm experiencing.

After a bit of back and forth with my P.A.'s nurse with regard to next steps, having the procedures done or having a Gastro consult first, I had enough. I let her know that I respectfully wish she would have given me all of the information at once that it took all day to receive so I could be in a much calmer place with my health.

This morning, on my way to work, the M.D. of the practice called me to discuss what happened the day prior. Again I explained my stance and told him I simply want to know what's next should something happen in the three weeks I must wait for my Gastro consult. He stated that perhaps I should come in and see him and we'll talk and re-consult. I kindly told him that seemed like a waste of time as I have all the trust in the world for my P.A., it was only the miscommunication between her, her nurse and myself. In the end, I set up the appointment because the conversation just wouldn't end and I was getting upset.

One thing I did bring up to him was why wasn't a stool sample taken? A person with the issues I'm having for a year and a half would indicate something is wrong. His response was that it could take up to five days to get results. I didn't hold back in my response, which was...Oh so you mean the results would have been in today or tomorrow? And I got crickets.

I'm about to cancel this appointment due to what I've said above in addition to having to take more time off from work and pay another co-pay. Nothing is going to come of it anyway.

Here's what I learned today directly from my health insurance rep. You (I) can't go to the ER simply because you're not feeling well. It must be life or death (in the eyes of the ER staff, not yours) or you will be billed 100% of that bill to the ER. If you're experiencing something such as I am and you're lying on the couch with your upper abdomen in so much pain, you know it will explode at any moment, you can't keep food down, the pain is spreading to your back and lower abdomen, you can't keep from crying, you're freezing even though you know you have a fever, etc....without a doctor saying is't okay to go to the ER or you must go to the ER, do not go to the ER. I was told, go to urgent care first, call your PCP, get online with a doctor via Facetime and get that referral or your insurance (mine -- Humana) will not pay your bill(s) and they will be hefty.

This is MY experience and MY insurance. I share this because you just never know, do you? Stitches, yes. Broken bones, yes. You get the point....

Here's the thing...don't treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about simply because you have a medical degree. I have studied, I have ideas, I have questions and I will question you. I will give you a run for your money for myself and my loved ones because that degree of yours? It doesn't make you a God.

My husband had two dislocated shoulders due to back to back seizures earlier this year, spent two nights in the hospitals with tests upon tests upon tests and these individuals (a team of them) couldn't figure out what was wrong. Give it time, they said. Give it time, over and over again. It will heal itself. That's three ER visits, a PCP visit, a Specialist visit (BINGO!) and a visit to the surgeon (who is a God). Four months later we found competent doctors who performed surgery. It will take a year plus of therapy to get him as close to normal as is possible.

So yeah, your piece of paper means shit to me. And Humana? You love collecting my monthly premium but as far as help is concerned? You're just sitting back waiting to reject, reject, reject. 

Friday, September 21, 2018

Health Problems on Top of Mental Illness

One of the hardest things I've been dealing with lately is believing the words I say.

"I don't care anymore."

"I'd rather stop breathing."

"You'll be better off without me."

I've been having some health problems lately. My gallbladder was removed about a year and a half ago and the pain I endured prior to has returned. It's like the surgery never happened at all.

This week my blood was drawn and I was pushed and prodded from here to there.

My blood pressure is high.

I can't eat anything without experiencing pain right after or having to run to use the restroom.

Yesterday, my blood-work came back "normal". I listened to the nurse as she went over it with me then I studied the shit out of it after it was posted online. The only thing abnormal is my thyroid levels, which has been a thing of normalcy for the past few years. All to be taken care of by a higher dose of Synthroid and another blood test in two months.

Now I sit and wait for my insurance company to approve a couple of procedures. I need an Endoscopy and a Colonoscopy. As it stands, my doctor diagnosed me with Gastritis but the symptoms simply don't fit the bill.

It seems like a stone stuck in my bile duct or a number of other things, but my gut (pun intended) tells me it's something bad.

Procedures cost money and the need of having someone take you there as well as recovery time. Then of course there's the time of sitting and waiting for the results. My luck is usually, "Everything is normal!" so then I just live with it. I can't have that this time. I don't care what it it this time but something must be found and figured out.

If ,"Everything is normal!" again, I don't know how much longer I can exist.