Thursday, September 27, 2018

October 17th

My mind is spinning. It's racing. It's slowing down.

No matter how much I sleep, the exhaustion weighs heavy overhead. It skins my intelligence. It makes me spacey. It takes my emotions and places them on the outside for the world to observe.

This is a mixture of being Bipolar and having an illness I have no idea what it is. It's a mixture of BP lows and the having to wait three weeks to see a specialist. It's a mixture of fake happiness from being with my loved ones and strolling the aisles of the drugstore, thoughts taking over of what to buy, what would mix "well" and free me from the chaos.

The lump in my throat is permanent.

The wetness soaking my eyelashes through, one continuous burn.

I've been mind-fucked by my doctors, my insurance company, my bank account and everyone who tells me it's going to be okay. You don't know what is and what isn't, so please stop telling me it's going to be okay. You sit with this pain and the actions that follow for the next three weeks while being told it's all going to be fixed, just wait it out, don't eat hardly anything and it'll be okay.

Am I angry?

Yes.

I understand the want people have of my getting better but saying it doesn't mean it will be true. Think it all you want. I'm not being selfish. I want to be okay but right now, and for the next three plus weeks, I'm not going to be okay.

When you go through something like this, you think of the worst possible thing happening. Then you read about it. Then you look at pictures of it. Then you look into the procedures and the "cure". Of course I know it's not the best possible scenario to do these things. But when you have to wait it out, your mind gets the better of you so you poke around. Your doctor gives you a list of possibilities, until the next appointment, and so it feels okay to look into.

How has an issue like this affected you?

October 17th.

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