Monday, October 22, 2018

Don't use words on me you can't possibly understand!

My procedures took place last Tuesday.

And here I sit. Up to ten working days to get results. By my calculations, I could hear something between Thursday and next week Tuesday. Maybe. That's a long fucking time to wait.

My doctor took biopsies of my small intestine, stomach and colon. To the naked eye, he said he couldn't see anything wrong. That's not the information I was in search of. Hopefully the biopsies tell another story so I can get whatever this is on the road to recovery. Otherwise, more tests are up and coming.

None of this is helping my mental illness. I spent the weekend between the bathroom, in the recliner with the heating pad, trying to eat because I really am hungry but afraid of the aftermath and crying my eyes out because I realized a year of depression has passed.

I stick it out with my high dose of Lithium and anxiety medication. I made the decision months back that my body needs a fucking break of the side effects and medications that don't work. I'm also tired of throwing money away. The drugs I wouldn't mind trying are ridiculously priced, even with decent insurance.

For the second year in a row, Halloween decorations sit in the garage. A large pumpkin is perched on the dining room table. My favorite holiday, HUMBUG! I feel like I'm letting my youngest down because I just can't do it. I can't get the stuff and move things around to make it festive. At Christmas, the only thing that makes it out of the box anymore is the tree.

I feel like a jerk. Like a loser. Like things are never going to change.

Physical illness mixed with mental illness is a recipe for disaster.

I don't recommend it. 

P.S. I don't share a lot on how I'm feeling with too many people. I have too many people, I think, who count on me to be their rock. So that's what I do. I don't want any of the..Things will get better...Tomorrow is a new day...You're not a loser...Lean on hope...NONE of this. It does no good. Unless you've been here, you won't understand that. I'm not just trying to be an asshole. This, to me, is realistic. If it's not to you, it's because you haven't been here. Kindly understand where I'm coming from.

1 comment:

  1. I Can totally relate to your p.s.,being married to a type 1 BP for over 40 years I have learnt not to make 'it will get better' statements.Some days are harder than others but life does go on.

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