Wednesday, October 10, 2018

In This Moment

My original appointment to see the Gastrointestinal doctor was October 17th. A week ago, the scheduler called me and got me in on the next day, October 4th. A few days prior, I couldn't take it anymore and went to the ER for a CT Scan. Nothing was found.

In six days I'll undergo an Endoscopy and a Colonoscopy at the same time. I'm not nervous at all. I need these procedures to produce answers. I'll take an illness or two just so I can pinpoint what has been happening and begin what it takes to heal.

Every day I ugly cry. I don't really think I'm crying for myself. Deep down, I know that whatever is wrong with me is really bad. I've accepted that. I used up all the hope I had inside of me on my mental illness and getting better from those symptoms. It didn't work. Not enough time has gone by to refill the hopes and dreams. So I'm crying for my children. My grandchild. My husband. My few friends that have stuck by me longer than I can say.

So a scope down the throat and a scope up the booty should provide answers. Biopsies if necessary.

The pain really needs to stop. The worry about what will happen if I eat this or that, which wouldn't be much since I get full so fast. Most of all, the exhaustion has to go. I could sleep all day every day. Sometimes I don't know how I get things done or get from here to there or get any work completed.

If you get an organ removed due to symptoms that tell you it should come out, you shouldn't feel those same symptoms over a year later after the organ is removed. That's a sign.

I'm going to wander over to the window now. It's snowing here in Denver and it's just about the only thing that will make me smile in this moment.

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