Friday, January 4, 2019

The Day After

When my alarm went off this morning, I wanted to throw it against the wall.

I'm not supposed to be here...

I'm not designed to keep going...

Yesterday I was going to take my life but I didn't.

Words of wisdom overrode the plan and so here I am.

Same person.

Same medications.

Same intrusive thoughts.

Same problems.

But I got to make my little boy pancakes this morning and watched him lick the plate. This time I just let him do it.

Today is my older son's last day of work before he hits up the campus at CSU to make his dreams come true. We had date night last night, he and I. Benihana and it was so much fun.

And it's Friday. I get to sleep a little more. Cook good food for dinner. And just try to get out of my head.

Here's to a day that I don't get mind fucked on.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

I'm Not Giving Up

Right after Halloween, I chose a date.

January 3, 2019...

This was the date, today, I was going to take my own life.

I'm more than halfway through this date. I'm still here.

Then a friend puts up a post on Facebook that makes me think that I am more than just a fighter. I'm a damn warrior and I'm going to make this illness my bitch from here on out. I won't allow it to make me set dates, cry, feel sorry for myself or take away my ability to do shit I love to do.

I'm done with this.

No more.

Who's with me?